Journals4
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Into the New Decade
2 min read
A happy holiday to all those deviants out there. And an extra and most heart-felt thank you, to the anonymous gifter of the DeviantArt Core membership. Thank you, so many times over. Once again, I am reminded of the love and generosity of the people out there in DeviantArt land.
I'm not one given to big new years resolutions. Mostly because I tend to forget them soon after making them. But I am looking to trying to accomplish something in the coming months.
To start: Finding my own space. I've been trying to motivate myself to finally create a blog or web space of my own to refocus both my SL picture work and storytelling. My hope is that in creating my own space to ffill, I'll find more energy in my creative work. Lately, I've found myself flagging in the photo work, similar to my storytelling of yore and I don't want to lose either as an outlet. Perhaps, my thinking goes, with a space that needs filling, I'll re-find some of that energy.
Re-commiting to my SL work and not just the shopping. Yeah, I'm a shopaholic in SL, too many shiney things that I "have" to have. So, less shopping, more doing and creating in SL proper. (It will be hard, but I will make the sacrifice.
)
And that's about it for now, my lovely deviants.
I'm not one given to big new years resolutions. Mostly because I tend to forget them soon after making them. But I am looking to trying to accomplish something in the coming months.
To start: Finding my own space. I've been trying to motivate myself to finally create a blog or web space of my own to refocus both my SL picture work and storytelling. My hope is that in creating my own space to ffill, I'll find more energy in my creative work. Lately, I've found myself flagging in the photo work, similar to my storytelling of yore and I don't want to lose either as an outlet. Perhaps, my thinking goes, with a space that needs filling, I'll re-find some of that energy.
Re-commiting to my SL work and not just the shopping. Yeah, I'm a shopaholic in SL, too many shiney things that I "have" to have. So, less shopping, more doing and creating in SL proper. (It will be hard, but I will make the sacrifice.
)And that's about it for now, my lovely deviants.
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On Strength and Imperfection
2 min read
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A few weeks ago I had a mini breakdown. I declared in a moment of depressive rage I was going to give it all up. I felt so tired, so fed up with trying to be heard and feeling like I was only screaming into the void.
Almost immediately my rational self kicked in, (Ok, the next day, after the Scotch had worn off.) looking at what I'd done with a profound, "W...T...F?!!!!" And depressive self kicked in with a "Right? She is SUCH a loser." Ah, the perils listening to my liar.
It has taken these weeks to sort out my brain To "repent" and push myself back into, "You are ok". And then Tita happened.
----------------------
This was a throw away studio session, just something to distract myself. I'd built Tita as part of another set of pics. In my, head she was a young, somewhat brash holy warrior, trying to figure herself out. (Side note, there's a story there.)
And she reminded me, in the moment I picked out that picture from the dozens in the set, that I contain legions and I am allowed to make mistakes and be human.
I have to thank everyone that came to my rescue here and elsewhere. I'm a mess, just like everyone else, and all of the kind words of encouragement and love have helped me in ways I cannot even begin to express.
A few weeks ago I had a mini breakdown. I declared in a moment of depressive rage I was going to give it all up. I felt so tired, so fed up with trying to be heard and feeling like I was only screaming into the void.
Almost immediately my rational self kicked in, (Ok, the next day, after the Scotch had worn off.) looking at what I'd done with a profound, "W...T...F?!!!!" And depressive self kicked in with a "Right? She is SUCH a loser." Ah, the perils listening to my liar.
It has taken these weeks to sort out my brain To "repent" and push myself back into, "You are ok". And then Tita happened.
----------------------
This was a throw away studio session, just something to distract myself. I'd built Tita as part of another set of pics. In my, head she was a young, somewhat brash holy warrior, trying to figure herself out. (Side note, there's a story there.)
And she reminded me, in the moment I picked out that picture from the dozens in the set, that I contain legions and I am allowed to make mistakes and be human.
I have to thank everyone that came to my rescue here and elsewhere. I'm a mess, just like everyone else, and all of the kind words of encouragement and love have helped me in ways I cannot even begin to express.
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The End (sort of)
4 min read
A bit of Scotch, some tears, and it all came crashing in on me.
I started this journey as a therapy and as a creative outlet. About the time that I started "seriously" taking pictures in SL I suffered what I can only describe as a complete mental breakdown. What I thought was going to be a change in life for the better turned into a nightmare that took me over a year from which to extricate myself. Throughout, I escaped to my photos. When I was taking and editing photos my mind was clear of all the BS anxiety and depression were handing me. At some point that clarity, that calm, escaped me. At some point working on my photos became a burden. It wasn't just about making lovely photos, it morphed into chasing social "likes".
I have an ego. (Yeah, hard to tell, I know.) And she is a bitch. Which is a good and a bad thing. She's what reminds me I have worth, she keeps me confident in myself. She also rails against any slight made against her, she's part of what keeps telling me I'm not "up to snuff". And at some point "likes" became synonymous with "worth". (Bear with me.) I could see going into the social sphere with my photos that there was a danger in having some sort of "favorite" button and that I could easily become obsessed with the numbers produced from that. Aaaand I was right. I fell into that trap hard.
Yes, I KNOW. It's a false correlation. But broken brain here. And my ego teamed up with my anxiety and, well, here we are: Me chasing "likes".
I couldn't move the numbers. I thought that the art itself would generate interest, but I guess I'm naive that way. I'm not a salesperson, I don't have that talent. And selling myself... Ugh. I just can't. (That's all another conversation.) And not seeing any "improvement" in those numbers over time started taking a toll. My anxiety began to kick in and it's been a downward slide back toward breakdown.
The problem is I can't let that happen again. See, this was my out the last time my mental state collapsed. This kept me alive. Seriously. The one thing that I can truly point to that kept me from suicide was my fucking art! Not family, not love ones, not work. My art kept me alive. It was the one safe place I could go. What do I do if the one place I can feel safe no longer keeps me safe? (As an aside, yes there are and were good and loving people helping me along, but, again, broken brain does not allow me to rely on others as deeply as I wish I could.)
I know many of you do care and I love you all for that. For all of the love I've been shown by those that look, I'm in awe and forever grateful. You are the ones that keep artists going. Every comment, every critique, every show of support is mana. I won't pretend to be some artistic snob that ony "does art for art's sake", I LOVE the attention paid to my work. I love having my voice heard. I love having someone's heart or mind moved by something I've made. You keep the void at bay.
In the end, though, it comes down to my mental and emotional health. And what I've been chasing isn't healthy. I have to seperate my art from the numbers. I have to protect my safe place.
There will be art and I will find a way to display it. Art needs to be seen. I have way too many ideas, all clamoring to be realised. And to not create, for me, would be just as unhealthy. But I cannot do it here.
If you're in SL feel free to shout out. I'll be around DA and Flickr as well, trying to do what I can to encourage others.
To all that have looked, to all that have been touched by my work: Thank you for everything.
As for the future, I haven't figured that out yet.
I started this journey as a therapy and as a creative outlet. About the time that I started "seriously" taking pictures in SL I suffered what I can only describe as a complete mental breakdown. What I thought was going to be a change in life for the better turned into a nightmare that took me over a year from which to extricate myself. Throughout, I escaped to my photos. When I was taking and editing photos my mind was clear of all the BS anxiety and depression were handing me. At some point that clarity, that calm, escaped me. At some point working on my photos became a burden. It wasn't just about making lovely photos, it morphed into chasing social "likes".
I have an ego. (Yeah, hard to tell, I know.) And she is a bitch. Which is a good and a bad thing. She's what reminds me I have worth, she keeps me confident in myself. She also rails against any slight made against her, she's part of what keeps telling me I'm not "up to snuff". And at some point "likes" became synonymous with "worth". (Bear with me.) I could see going into the social sphere with my photos that there was a danger in having some sort of "favorite" button and that I could easily become obsessed with the numbers produced from that. Aaaand I was right. I fell into that trap hard.
Yes, I KNOW. It's a false correlation. But broken brain here. And my ego teamed up with my anxiety and, well, here we are: Me chasing "likes".
I couldn't move the numbers. I thought that the art itself would generate interest, but I guess I'm naive that way. I'm not a salesperson, I don't have that talent. And selling myself... Ugh. I just can't. (That's all another conversation.) And not seeing any "improvement" in those numbers over time started taking a toll. My anxiety began to kick in and it's been a downward slide back toward breakdown.
The problem is I can't let that happen again. See, this was my out the last time my mental state collapsed. This kept me alive. Seriously. The one thing that I can truly point to that kept me from suicide was my fucking art! Not family, not love ones, not work. My art kept me alive. It was the one safe place I could go. What do I do if the one place I can feel safe no longer keeps me safe? (As an aside, yes there are and were good and loving people helping me along, but, again, broken brain does not allow me to rely on others as deeply as I wish I could.)
I know many of you do care and I love you all for that. For all of the love I've been shown by those that look, I'm in awe and forever grateful. You are the ones that keep artists going. Every comment, every critique, every show of support is mana. I won't pretend to be some artistic snob that ony "does art for art's sake", I LOVE the attention paid to my work. I love having my voice heard. I love having someone's heart or mind moved by something I've made. You keep the void at bay.
In the end, though, it comes down to my mental and emotional health. And what I've been chasing isn't healthy. I have to seperate my art from the numbers. I have to protect my safe place.
There will be art and I will find a way to display it. Art needs to be seen. I have way too many ideas, all clamoring to be realised. And to not create, for me, would be just as unhealthy. But I cannot do it here.
If you're in SL feel free to shout out. I'll be around DA and Flickr as well, trying to do what I can to encourage others.
To all that have looked, to all that have been touched by my work: Thank you for everything.
As for the future, I haven't figured that out yet.
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Whole lotta empty
2 min read
I don't know that I'll be sharing much in this space. Perhaps as I get my momentum going, I'll find some added impetus to do so. I think my pictures would do more to illustrate my emotional state better than some journal writing. But then, who knows.
Certainly, though, I can use this to air my process and some of the things I'm learning and figuring out as I go.
For instance. I'm now watermarking my pictures. Not so much because I'm afraid of the pictures getting plagiarized (if you're an asshole, you're going to steal, and I'll deal with you at that time). Rather, and this could just be my twisted view of the world, I think the mark lends a certain air of professionalism.
As to the mark itself, I'm not sure I'm completely down with the mark as I've got it now and I think I'll work on it some more. Perhaps simplify it to just the lettering.
See, that's the sort of thing I'll subject people to in a journal. The thoughts and pondering that only I would find interesting in the slightest.
Certainly, though, I can use this to air my process and some of the things I'm learning and figuring out as I go.
For instance. I'm now watermarking my pictures. Not so much because I'm afraid of the pictures getting plagiarized (if you're an asshole, you're going to steal, and I'll deal with you at that time). Rather, and this could just be my twisted view of the world, I think the mark lends a certain air of professionalism.
As to the mark itself, I'm not sure I'm completely down with the mark as I've got it now and I think I'll work on it some more. Perhaps simplify it to just the lettering.
See, that's the sort of thing I'll subject people to in a journal. The thoughts and pondering that only I would find interesting in the slightest.
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